


Emil and the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch

by wavewright62



Category: Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975), Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: Essentially Plagiarism of Monty Python, Mynd you møøse bites Kan be pretty nasti, References to Monty Python
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-08
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-09-30 21:53:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10173134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wavewright62/pseuds/wavewright62
Summary: The title was the prompt, folks, blame FrogEater for the request.Coincidentally, this came to me in time to serve for the letter E in the SSSS Alphabet Soup.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a mashup of the monster bunny scene from Monty Python & the Holy Grail, and is by no means a genuine AU or view on canon. To wit, a joke. Or maybe no wit. *shrug*

The gnarled hermit cackled as the crew shuffled their feet nervously, before crowing, "Yes, I tell you, I can help you with your quest!" Emil thanked him very politely. The hermit continued ominously, "To the north there lies a cave, the IKEA of Caerbannog, wherein, carved in mystic runes, upon the living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged, make plain the resting place of the most Holy Grail."  
  
Reynir piped up, "I can read mystic runes, but I thought we were looking for the cure to the Rash?"  
  
Sigrun shushed him, then turned to the hermit. "How shall we find this cave?"  
  
The hermit gestured for them to follow, but then wheeled around and fixed them with his one rheumy eye. "But follow only if you are men of valour. For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a monster, a creature so foul and cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty trolls lie strewn about its lair...therefore sweet knights if you may doubt your strength or courage come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big teeth."  
  
Sigrun said, "Pffft, I once killed a giant with _my_ teeth. Plus, I am a _woman_ of valour, and Emil here is my right-hand warrior." She gestured at Emil, who waggled his eyebrows hopefully at the hermit. They all strode forth behind the hermit, although Reynir had difficulty mastering the requisite coconut shells and also insisted on making sheep noises.  
  
"Look, trollbait, maybe you better stay here, okay?," Sigrun bade him cease, and he stayed where he was, looking mournfully at the coconut shells. Tuuri told him there were no palm trees in Denmark after all, but then where did these come from?  
  
The hermit came up the entrance of the derelict IKEA and gestured wildly at its door. "Behold the IKEA of Caerbannog!"  
  
There were indeed many bones littered around, Lalli noted that they were not arrayed in a pleasing manner. "There it is! The monster!," the hermit cried out in a panic.  
  
Sigrun looked around, "Where? Where is it?"  
  
"There!" He pointed with trembling hand.  
  
Emil said, "Behind the rabbit?"  
  
"It IS the rabbit!" The hermit flailed his arms about.  
  
Mikkel crossed his arms and glared at the hermit, sideburns bristling. "You silly sod, you got us all worked up."  
  
Emil spat, "Cretin. It's just a rabbit."  
  
"That is not an ordinary rabbit...'tis the most foul cruel and bad-tempered thing you ever set your eyes on. That rabbit's got a vicious streak. It's a killer."  
  
Emil tossed his head, setting the golden hair to sparkling. "Well, yes, my cleanser unit used to flush out rabbit-beasts all the time. They are nasty, but really..."  
  
"He'll do you up a treat, mate," the hermit scowled.  
  
"Mangy Danish git," Sigrun scowled back. "What's he do, nibble your bum?"  
  
"Well, it's got huge...very sharp...," the hermit put his fingers in front of his mouth like they were fangs, "It can jump a...look at the bones!"  
  
Sigrun flicked her head. "Go on, chop its head off." Then turning back to the hermit, "Silly little bleeder, look here..."  
  
But the hermit's eyes widened and they all turned to follow his pointing finger. The rabbit had leapt up and neatly decapitated the one who stepped forward. They all gasped, until Mikkel said, "Wait, who was that in that red shirt?"  
  
"That was the day scout."  
  
"I thought the day scout was cut."  
  
"Well, obviously, his head is cut clean off."  
  
"Oh. Right."  
  
"I warned you," gloated the hermit. "Did I tell you? Did you listen to me? Oh no, no, you knew better, didn't you. No, it's just an ordinary rabbit, isn't it. The names you called me. Well, don't say I didn't tell you."  
  
"Oh, shut up," said Emil.  
  
The hermit carried on complaining quietly, "It's always the same...if I've said it once."  
  
"CHARGE!" Sigrun suddenly yelled, "To Valhalla!" The crew surged forward to deal to the rabbit-beast with dagger, other dagger, Grandma's rifle, puukko, Sheep-fu, and cricket bat, but to no avail.  
  
"Run away, run away!" They regrouped behind a rusted-out BMW in the carpark. "Ehhh, should've had a Volvo," said Emil.  
  
"Can none of you aim?" hissed Sigrun. "Well, we'll not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite."  
  
"Would it help if we ran away some more?," Reynir asked helpfully.  
  
Mikkel advised sagely, "Let us taunt it. It may become so cross it will make a mistake."  
  
"Like what?" Mikkel had no answer.  
  
Tuuri spoke, her voice a bare peep through her mask. "We have the Holy Hand Grenade."  
  
Sigrun looked at her. "The what?"  
  
Tuuri explained, "The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. 'Tis one of the sacred relics Lalli always carries with him." They all nodded in appreciation of such preparedness.  
  
"I am the cleanser," Emil intoned, "and I will wield the Holy Hand Grenade. Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!"  
  
Lalli looked in his pockets a moment, then gestured to Reynir, who came up clumsily clopping his coconut shells together. From his satchel he produced a small box and opened it for all to see. The incendiary device was suffused with magic and was softly glowing.  
  
Sigrun peered at it, impressed. "How does it...errr...Tuuri?"  
  
Tuuri shrugged, "I know not." Then added, "It's a mage thing." Switching to Finnish, she said to Lalli, "Consult the Book of Armaments."  
  
Lalli cleared his throat. "Armaments Chapter Two verses Nine to Twenty-One." He crossed his hands over his chest and closed his eyes.  
  
"And St Attila raised the hand  
grenade up on high saying  
'Oh Kokko bless this thy hand grenade  
that with it thou mayest blow  
thine enemies to tiny bits in thy mercy.'  
Kokko flaming then did grin  
and the people did feast upon the lambs  
and sloths and carp and anchovies  
and orangutan and breakfast cereals  
and fruit bats and..."  
  
Tuuri interrupted him, "Skip a bit, cousin."  
  
He glared at her but continued, "Yes,  
and Kokko spake saying, 'First shalt thou  
take out the Holy Pin, then thou  
shalt count to three, no more, no less.  
Three shall be the number thou shalt count,  
and the number of the counting shall be three.  
Four shalt thou not count neither  
count thou two, excepting that  
thou then proceed to three.  
Five is right out!  
Once the number three, being  
the third number, be reached then  
lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of  
Antioch towards thy foe who  
being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.' "  
  
Emil said, "I didn't understand a word of that." He grabbed the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, stood up from behind the BMW and threw it with a sure arm at the rabbit-beast.  
  
There was a thud as the grenade hit the rabbit-beast square on and caved its head in. There was much rejoicing.  
  
It didn't explode, though, and Emil looked mightily disappointed. Turning to Tuuri, he asked, "Wasn't there supposed to be an earth-shattering ka-BOOM?"  
  
Tuuri asked Lalli, who shrugged and looked pointedly at Reynir.  
  
Reynir grinned sheepishly and said, "I...ahhh...took out the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch to ummm...make room for this cool rock that I put some runes on." 

**Author's Note:**

> I have a copy of the script to the movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." Most of this is sourced rather....closely from there, so I presume writing ~~blame~~ credit must go largely to the Monty Python crew. It doesn't quite work in runo, but what the hey.


End file.
